


The Overheard Exchange

by Konbini



Category: Monk (TV)
Genre: Explicit language only, Ficlet, M/M, Monk is not actually in most of it, Period-Typical Homophobia, Period-Typical Sexism, pairings suggested only, pre-slash fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:02:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 720
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25375855
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Konbini/pseuds/Konbini
Summary: Leland overhears his detectives gossiping."Yeah but if youhadto - you know - do it with a guy, who would it be?"He wishes to hell he didn't when Randy answers without missing a beat,"Monk."
Relationships: Adrian Monk/Leland Stottlemeyer, Randy Disher/Adrian Monk
Comments: 1
Kudos: 49





	The Overheard Exchange

**Author's Note:**

> Set sometime in the earlier seasons.

It's a normal day, that's all Leland has to say.

There's nothing spectacular about it at all.

And - he isn't Monk. He's a normal man so it doesn't shock him when he hears his detectives talking from around the corner.

"Yeah. She's hot. Top choice. For sure top choice."

"Naw. Check out the tata's on her."

He only sighs heavily to himself and thinks about how that used to be him. Vapidly discussing which model has the best breasts. He's relieved he'd left that phase long ago, mostly anyway. There are some things one never grows out of.

He's aware he's eavesdropping but it's a victimless crime.

So he listens in, struck with nostalgia.

"Yeah but if you _had_ to - you know - do it with a guy, who would it be?"

"Gee, I can't decide if I'm supposed to pick a pretty guy or not. Would it make me look less or more gay?"

Leland rolls his eyes, and he's about to walk away.

"Who would you pick Randy? Bob Costas? Pearl Jam?"

"Monk." Randy says immediately, without hesitation.

Leland's breath leaves him in a rush.

His ears strain, unwilling to miss a syllable.

"Ha, good one." One of them says after a pause and then it seems they all relax and there is some laughter.

"I'm serious." Randy says.

At this juncture, Leland isn't sure what is best for Randy's survival - if he's indeed serious and ungallantly talking about Monk in a sexual context or if he's making fun of him. Leland might kill him either way.

"Well, thanks for taking the heat off everyone else. No one's pick can be worse than that. I can't believe I was hesitating to say David Bowie."

"Are you crazy? Monk. Monk!"

"He's gotta be kidding."

"No," Randy says, sounding as normal as he usually does which is just insane, "I'm serious. Think about it."

"Right. If I wanted someone to cringe away from my penis in disgust I'd just hop into bed with my wife."

"He'd probably make you wrap it twice."

"You guys have no imagination!" Randy intones, he's trying to sway their opinion, "Just think about it. You know how you love when a woman gets out of the shower? All wet and clean?"

Leland feels like he's in a madhouse.

"Okay, fuck, he's got a point."

"Right!" Randy continues, egged on by the encouragement, "and there wouldn't be a question of who'd top. No having to entertain in disgust that they might want you to be 'the girl'. Everyone knows who would be 'the girl'."

It's actually offensive, is what it is. Even without considering Monk being denigrated. Leland should put a stop to this. He's done a lot to keep his department free of bigots and prejudices. And this is hovering on just the edge of it.

"And...he'd be reluctant about it." One of them says and the conversation falls to an awed hush.

Leland's face goes hot.

It's maybe not the first time he's personally had such a thought. Monk, a little hard pressed beneath him, face gone red with arousal and at constant war with himself over whether he wants to be touched or not. In Leland's mind it always ends with him wanting to be touched.

"He'd wash the sheets and clean up afterward. Hell, he'd probably make you dinner while wearing a cute little apron."

"And you'd get him all dirty. Can you picture his face?"

"He'd be so embarrassed. He'd probably never be able to look you in the eye again."

"Speaking of eyes. He's got great eyes." Randy says, which immediately puts him at odds with the other guys.

Clueless. Leland has never laid eyes on anyone as clueless as Randy. It actually makes him reach a hand up to rub at the bridge of his nose.

"I bet he'd be really sweet." Randy continues, like he hasn't just rained on their parade, "He'd probably want to hold hands afterward."

Leland cuts his losses and leaves quietly, hopes to God no one sees him sneak away.

He feels dirty and gross from just having listened.

When Monk comes in later Leland can't help but greet him with,

"Well if it isn't Sapphire's Girl of the year." to Monk's consternation and confusion.

It's probably for the best that he doesn't explain.


End file.
